Thursday, April 14, 2011

You Are His Wife, Not His Mother

A few years ago, I read a profound article. I cannot remember where I heard this (so forgive me for not giving credit where credit is due), but the point of the article was....

You are your husband's wife, not his mother. Treat him accordingly.

To be honest, I would've said that I did not try to mother Brett....but I took note of the article and decided to watch my words/actions the next few days.

Oh my goodness, I was not happy with what I saw in myself.

Without thinking, I found myself saying things like...
"Do you think you should drive that fast?"
"Do you really think you should eat that ice cream?"
"Is that really the best way to do that?"
"Don't stay up too late."

Which are all perfectly fine....if he was my child.

But he is not my child. He is a grown man, and he does not need to be told what to do, how to act, what to wear, etc.

Disclaimer: I am not saying be a doormat and don't voice your opinion on things that matter. If you're husband is driving 100 miles an hour with kids in the car, obviously say something. But, if he's driving 5 mph over the limit, let it go.

Also, I think it is very important to have an equal say in matters in the home, but I am not talking about big, life changing decisions. My point is to not be nit picky and correct small, irrelevant behaviors.

As women, our inborn nature is nurturing and caring. That is why we make awesome mothers. However, our role as a wife and a mom should look very different. As I said, our husbands are grown men, capable of making their own decisions. They may not always make the decisions we want, but it is not our job to correct them on everything.

One example that stands out in my life...
I am a details person. I remember every little detail about a story. And truth is also very important to me.
Early on in marriage, Brett would tell a story that would go something like this, "Last Wednesday, I went to the store....(finish the story)."
In the middle of his story, I would say, "No, you didn't. You actually went on Tuesday." I was not meaning to be rude, but in my mind, if he said he went on Wednesday but it was actually Tuesday, people might think he was lying. He is such an honest guy that I didn't want people to think he's lying.

In reality, correcting an insignificant detail was actually, in a way, putting him down. It would mess up the flow of the story and detract from the point.

It sounds silly now, but I had to learn to stop correcting him. Whether something happened on Tuesday or Wednesday is so not a big deal.

By the way, this is not to be condescending towards moms AT ALL. Children need us to mother them. Our husbands have a mom; they need us to be their wife.

As you go through your week, pay attention to areas where you are mothering your husband. I would estimate that if you nag your husband, you are acting like a mom more than his wife.

I think you'll be surprised to see how it seems to be our nature, as women, to mother our husbands. I really was shocked how much I did this. I still do from time to time and have to change my words.

Be a rockin' wife today!


  1. That's so good Sarah! Thanks for sharing!!

  2. Love this post. Thanks for writing it! Now, I'll have to watch what I'm saying!

  3. Have you ever read Romancing Your Husband by Debora White Smith? She wrote a whole chapter about not being a Mother Wife but rather a Lover Wife. It made a big impact on me! To this day, I have let our Happy Buddy go to church in his pajamas because that is what the Happy Hubby dressed him in. I was tempted to correct my man, but figured it wasn't worth it because I was just so grateful he helped!!! Plus, correction often makes them not want to help in the future... Great words, Sarah! You are the best!

  4. Love your FFF posts. What a blessing you are to so many. God is using you in a very special way! You have written a few posts that I literally think about EVERYDAY. Keep up the good work! Miss you :)


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