Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ruminations

So, we are having a boy. Because I was so sure we were having a girl, I obviously had to process the exciting news that baby #4 is, actually, a boy.

First things first, I am so beyond excited. When I think of another hilarious, sweet, wild boy, my heart is overjoyed. There is not one part of me that wishes anything to be different.

It is really weird to think I will not have another girl (though, if you ask Brett, our family is not complete....he was hoping news of a boy would change my mind, but it didn't! ha!). Though, as my mom so hilariously put it (before she knew the sex), "I think you're having a boy, because I really thought about it, and with Chloe's personality, I really don't think she can handle another girl". Brett and I definitely agreed that Chloe is enough girl for all the boys!

Yesterday, when we got home from the doctor, I let Chloe go through my infant girl clothes to pick out stuff for her baby dolls (before I pass the rest on to someone having a girl). I had promised her we could (I figured it would be for her sister, but we had to roll with it...LOL), so I wanted to make good on my promise. I was a little nervous, because I was afraid that seeing the adorable clothes would make me sad. For the first couple of outfits, I was a little sad....but I realized it is because of the memories I have of Chloe wearing them in her first few days of life. Because once we got past the teeny newborn clothes, I was fine. This fact actually made me happy because my heart was tested....and this little baby boy is what my heart wanted. (I am not sure if that makes sense).

As I pondered my boy-to-be, I felt sad but for a very different reason. This is my last baby. The last time we wait in eager expectation to hear what "it" is. The last time Brett and I share the exciting news with our kids. The last time I feel him kick for the first time (which was yesterday!!). While I am so happy to complete our family (and happy to feel normal again), bringing a baby into this world is such a special, treasured time. I am nearly done with my FOURTH (wow, fourth!) pregnancy....I am in the final months of what has been about a 7 year journey. It is a chapter of my life that has flown by faster than I ever dreamed (or hoped), and it is coming to an end. Obviously, I have many, many years of raising children ahead of me. But, for now, I walk a bittersweet path. I am no longer sick and am finally regaining some energy (though I took the kids on a bike ride today and was beyond exhausted...I just walked but was still tired)....so I am finally enjoying my pregnancy (except for the emotional roller coaster). I've spent my whole life dreaming about having kids, and in four short months, the dreams of my heart will have come to fruition. Thankfully, I still have many years to raise my dream children!!

In my head, I want to be done having children. But I think my heart would have 100. It is crazy how God has wired us....to be so content with what we're given yet, truly, there is always room to love one more. Just like my total assurance this was a girl, I am sure God will cleverly add to our family. As I have told Brett, I am open to our family growing; my womb is just closing. (Even writing that is so bittersweet....though I am confident in my decision!)

I am an emotional mess....pregnancy, in general, but also just processing closing this child-bearing chapter of my life. God has been so good to us, and I pray in hopeful expectation for Him to protect and bless my sweet children.

Caleb asked me today why God is so nice, and I could think is "He is so, so good."


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