Wednesday, November 26, 2014

1 am Ramblings

I plan to blog about my trip to MO soon.  My kids and I went for 11 days, and it was just such a good, much needed trip.  I've had a really hard year (nothing major, just a lot of pruning and weird happenings), so going "home" was so refreshing.  My everyday life is so good and I love the life I've been given.....but a break from the everyday-ness of it was really nice.

This is the longest I've spent away from Brett in a really long time.  It gave me a lot of time to think and pray.  The last two dates Brett and I have gone on, we talked a lot about hopes and my mind was already sort of in that mindset.

One area of life that has been really stirring in me is the desire to adopt.  This has been on my radar for a very long time, but it's becoming more of a thought.  Since my child bearing years began, this is the longest I've ever gone without a baby.  But I don't think this longing is a case of baby fever.  I am actually very content with my four precious kids.  If my family is complete, I am 100% fine with that.  But I don't really think we are complete.  I would, of course, welcome a 5th child into my life in any way.  It would be a strong preference of mine not to be pregnant again BUT I would trust God and be excited if it were to happen.

My preference would be to adopt a sweet child.

It seems like a far off thing, if it were to happen.  I have no peace to pursue adoption at this time.  I am not sure if we would adopt domestically or internationally.  I don't have the financial resources and have no plans to figure any of that out.

At this point, God would literally have to put a baby in our lives.  Crazier things have happened, for sure.  So I don't doubt His ability.

This is a really fun place to be.  My heart is open to whatever God has.  But my heart is not longing for a baby I know is mine but not yet home (if that makes sense).  I guess I am in the dreaming stage.

In dreaming, it's interesting to think of the doors this decision could open.  Would we adopt just one child?  Or would my heart explode open for more?  How would this change our family dynamic?  Would it be a boy or a girl?

Money is, and has almost always been, very tight for us.  Most months I honestly don't know how our bills will get paid, but God is ALWAYS faithful.  And I knew early on in my marriage that God would provide for as many kids as we wanted to have, and this has been true.  It is common (and understandable) for people to factor in money when deciding to have children or not....but God has given us a unique perspective to just trust Him.  Money is so fleeting and can change quickly, so I've never put my hope in that.  I obey where I think God is leading and trust He will provide (in every way, not just money).

A woman recently told me that she thinks I have the capacity to have a lot of children.  And, if I am being honest, four kids does not max me out.  YES, I have long days.  And ugly moments.  And lose my patience.  But I do not feel maxed out.  I feel content.  But not overly stressed.  I am not special; it's just the way I am made.

Dreaming is so fun.  The possibility of adoption is such a wild card.  Will we have a fourth boy or another girl?  What will the child look like?  What will the process be like?  Will we even adopt?

I am up late.  I really need to go to bed.  But this dream has just been captivating my thoughts lately.  And I am excited to see what's in store!

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